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Tom & Bill: Omelets and Carnivores

October 23, 2009

TOM: So…how do you like your eggs?

BILL: That’s not funny.

TOM: What do you mean?

BILL: Asking me about eggs? I’m a vegetarian.

TOM: Since when?

BILL: Since I discovered exactly what happens to animals when they are turned into food.

TOM: You’re kidding, right?

BILL: Nope. I saw a PeTA video online showing the suffering and the mistreatment that chickens have to endure at those slaughterhouses for KFC restaurants. It’s sickening!

TOM: I don’t understand…what did you think happens to them?

BILL: They’re butchered! They’re tortured! It’s grotesque!

TOM: They’re turned into food.

BILL: They don’t have to be tortured, though!

TOM: So…what, we should find a gentle, humane way to kill them before they’re turned into food, then?

BILL: How about not killing them at all? That would be humane.

TOM: That would mean starvation for millions of humans.

BILL: There are alternatives to eating meat…you could go vegan, like I did!

TOM: But I don’t understand why you’re so upset over how we treat a chicken if it’s going to be turned into food anyways.

BILL: They shouldn’t be made to suffer like they do. It’s barbaric.

TOM: So the chickens should be coddled and pampered…until we kill them and cook them to be eaten?

BILL: Or don’t eat them at all! That way we won’t need to do anything to them. They could just be left alone.

TOM: Maybe the chickens don’t see themselves as suffering?

BILL: What??? You think the chickens enjoy what happens to them?

TOM: Maybe they don’t suffer at all. Maybe you’re just projecting your own feelings onto the chickens as you watched the video?

BILL: Oh please! The captive chickens peck each other to death from all the stress and suffering they endure! I’d say that proves that chickens are capable of feeling pain and experiencing suffering.

TOM: How do you know it isn’t merely an autonomic response instead of an actual cognizance of pain and suffering?

BILL: Give me a break! What could possibly behave like those chickens do yet not experience pain and suffering?

TOM: Fetuses.

BILL: What?

TOM: Fetuses. You know, a human fetus…when it’s being aborted…?

BILL: Spare me….a fetus isn’t a viable life form. A chicken is.

TOM: Yet when a fetus is being aborted, it always displays the same reaction as the chickens: a cognitive comprehension of the terrible pain it is experiencing and the suffering that follows….just before it is killed.

BILL: It’s not the same thing!

TOM: Oh? How is it different?

BILL: It just is, that’s all…it just is.

TOM: You mean “it just is” because you say “it just is”?

BILL: A fetus isn’t a viable life form. A chicken is a viable life form.

TOM: …Because you say “a chicken is a viable life form”…right?

BILL: *sigh* You’re so ignorant.

TOM: So because you decree that a chicken is a viable life form, and a fetus is not, you therefore decree that the chicken is suffering but the fetus is not?

BILL: Not because “I decree it”…because it is so!

TOM: Based on your say-so.

BILL: Based on science, stupid!

TOM: That’s not true. Numerous studies by doctors and medical professionals prove that a fetus is fully cognizant while still in the womb. And if it’s cognizant, then it feels pain and suffering. Then an abortion clinic is just as horrible as a chicken slaughterhouse. Right?


TOM: Why not?

BILL: It just is.

TOM: So, you’re essentially choosing to believe that a chicken is a viable life form, but a human fetus is not?

BILL: If it shuts you up, then yes.

TOM: This still doesn’t explain why you won’t eat any eggs.

BILL: Eggs that come from chickens! It’s meat…and as PeTA says, “Meat Is Murder“!

TOM: It’s only an unfertilized chicken embryo. It’s not like a baby chicken was killed to make anyone’s omelets.

BILL: But it’s still part of a chicken…it comes from a chicken…and it’s still murder.

TOM: Then just call them “abortions”.

BILL: What?!?!

TOM: Don’t call them “eggs”, call them “chicken abortions” and everything will be fine.

BILL: That’s appalling! How does that make any sense at all?!?!

TOM: Well, since you can arbitrarily decree that a fetus, despite showing incontrovertible evidence of being able to feel pain and experience suffering during an abortion, isn’t a real, viable life form…just call an egg “an aborted chicken fetus” and everything will be fine.

BILL: You’re being ridiculous!

TOM: Even better…don’t call them slaughterhouses, call them abortion clinics! That way you can eat your chickens and eggs in peace, safe and secure in the knowledge that your food came from a Planned Chickenhood Clinic!

BILL: That’s sick!

TOM: Why? Because I’m comparing eggs to abortions? I thought you said eating eggs was murder but abortions aren’t? Or are you sickened that I would take a subject that you find so dismissive…namely abortions…and elevate them to the status of eating omelets?

BILL: That is the most vile thing I’ve ever heard! You’re not being funny….you’re pathetic!

TOM: Well, maybe those of us who like our chicken sandwiches and our omelets are simply exercising our “Right To Choose”?

BILL: You should “Choose” to be more compassionate and live a vegan lifestyle!

TOM: Why?

BILL: It’s a better way to live, that’s why. It’s healthier….it’s more beneficial to your well-being and to the well-being of the planet…

TOM: But it’s not who I am.

BILL: It could be if you just tried.

TOM: No it isn’t. It’s not what I am.

BILL: What do you mean by that?

TOM: I can’t choose to be a vegetarian…because I’m not that way. It isn’t a choice for me.

BILL: Ridiculous! It’s an easy choice! All you have to do is try!

TOM: But it goes against what I am…what I was meant to be.

BILL: What about your “Right To Choose“, eh? Heh heh….not so clever now, are you?

TOM: You can’t “Choose” to defy what God and/or Mother Nature intended us to be.

BILL: Of course you can!

TOM: That’s not what the Gay Rights Movement claims.

BILL: Wha…what do they have to do with this?

TOM: Gay activists have long claimed that homosexuals are born that way….there’s never been any proof to substantiate such a claim, but that’s a topic for another time. Anyhoo, gay activists have been quite vocal in opposition to claims that you can choose your sexual orientation. They get incensed when somebody even suggests that they should try to live their lives as heterosexuals because it goes against what God and/or Mother Nature intended them to be.

BILL: And they’re right. So what does this have to do with eating eggs?

TOM: Look at my eyes.

BILL: Wha??…ummm….okay….

TOM: What kind of vision do I have?

BILL: Umm….20/20?

TOM: They’re binocular…..binocular vision. Two eyes used to focus on a target in order to gauge distance and accuracy.

BILL: Okay…so?

TOM: The kind of vision commonly found with successful hunter/predator animals…like lions and wolves.

BILL: Again…so?

TOM: Look at my teeth….do you know what these teeth along the front are called?

BILL: Um…I know this…incisors and canines, right?

TOM: Exactly. And our canines and incisor teeth are specially used to grip and tear flesh. Now I can’t show you my stomach, but if I could I would point out the key gastro enzymatic digestive processes necessary for proper digestion of meat and assimilation of its nutrients. So, if I was born with binocular vision, canine and incisor teeth, and a meat-ingesting gastro enzymatic system….odds are that I was born a carnivore.

BILL: Oh brother…

TOM: And if I was born a carnivore, then God and/or Mother Nature intended me to be a meat-eater. So if it’s wrong to try and convince a homosexual…who might’ve been born that way even though there isn’t any proof to substantiate such a claim…to become a heterosexual then it is equally wrong to try and convince a carnivore…who was indisputably born that way…to become a herbivore.

BILL: Humans are not carnivores, they’re omnivores! They eat both plants and animals!

TOM: So…maybe humans are also born bisexual, then?

BILL: There is the prevailing theory…yes.

TOM: Yet you want all humans to be exclusively heterosexuals.

BILL: What?!?! No I don’t!!

TOM: Then why do you want all humans to be exclusively herbivores?

BILL: I don’t…I mean…aw come on, you’re stretching things out of proportion here!

TOM: How so?

BILL: Homosexuals are born that way…exclusively homosexual! Humans are not born exclusively carnivorous, though! They can choose to live a vegan lifestyle!

TOM: Where’s your proof?

BILL: Proof of what?

TOM: Proof that homosexuals are born that way?

BILL: Wha?…well…I don’t have any, but it’s been proven long ago…

TOM: When?

BILL: …ummm…a while ago…

TOM: By who?

BILL: …uhhh…I don’t know who…but I know it’s true!

TOM: How do you know it’s true?

BILL: I just do, that’s all!

TOM: So….you’re choosing to believe that there is irrefutable proof that homosexuals are born that way…

BILL: Yes!

TOM: …and, as such, you can’t choose your biologically predetermined sexual orientation…

BILL: Yes!

TOM: …but that you can choose to be a vegan…

BILL: Yes!

TOM: …even though a human is born a carnivore…

BILL: An omnivore, you mean.

TOM: …and you believe that chickens feel pain….

BILL: Definitely yes!

TOM: ….but a human fetus does not…

BILL: Yes.

TOM: ….even though it is proven that both the chicken and the human fetus both react in the same way to pain and suffering…

BILL: Well, I kinda doubt that…

TOM: …and, despite their similarities in reaction to pain and suffering, the stuff that happens to fetuses in an abortion clinic isn’t nearly as barbaric or as horrible as what happens to chickens in a slaughterhouse…

BILL: Yes.

TOM: …and, as a result, you refuse to eat an omelet because it comes from a chicken….

BILL: Yes.

TOM: …even though it’s nothing more than an unfertilized chicken embryo…

BILL: Yes.

TOM: …which means it’s even less of a viable life form than a human fetus…

BILL: Yes.

TOM: …and despite being born with the propensity to live your life as a carnivore, you still choose to not eat omelets because they were once part of a chicken…

BILL: Uh…yes.

TOM: …and you choose to regard it as meat, as in “Meat Is Murder”…

BILL: …yes.

TOM: …yet you don’t view a human fetus the same way you view an unfertilized chicken embryo…

BILL: …um…..yes.

TOM: …so, even though you say you can’t choose to be straight when you might not have been born that way, you can choose to be a vegan when you were definitely not born that way. In addition, you seem to have a higher regard for a chicken embryo than for a human fetus.

BILL: ….um……*sigh*……yes.

TOM: So, you regard a biologically predetermined behavior like eating chicken as part of a carnivorous diet to be disgusting and necessitating a lifestyle change…but you also regard a supposedly biologically predetermined behavior like homosexuality to be sacrosanct. And you regard an omelet, made from an unfertilized chicken embryo, to be a vile product because it is meat…and “Meat Is Murder” because of the pain and suffering that a chicken experiences as a result of being processed for food…but you don’t hold a human fetus…an unborn baby…being aborted in a Planned Parenthood Clinic in the same high regard?

BILL: ….well……..yes.

TOM: …and why again, exactly, are you thinking this way and living this way?

BILL: ….*sigh*……because I choose to.

TOM: And how do you justify such glaring contradictions in your ideology?

BILL: I don’t see them as contradictions at all. All my beliefs originate from a compassionate point of view on the subject.

TOM: So advocating a vegan diet…?

BILL: Is compassionate to animals.

TOM: And encouraging a pro-gay culture…?

BILL: Is compassionate for gays, of course.

TOM: And anyone who doesn’t advocate your ideology is cruel and evil…?

BILL: Evil? I wouldn’t go that far…but it is still cruel and deserving condemnation.

TOM: You think that when a person treats a chicken like an aborted fetus, it is cruel…and when a person tells a homosexual to be just like vegans, it is deserving of condemnation?

BILL: Stop twisting my words around! Besides, I told you that a fetus is not a viable life form; an abortion is nothing more than unwanted biological matter that is properly removed from a female. A fetus hasn’t even had a proper life, unlike a chicken…so you can’t even compare the two!

TOM: So, again, an aborted human fetus is no better or worse than an unfertilized chicken embryo?

BILL: Yes…wait…what?

TOM: So….how do you like your eggs?

BILL: ….that’s not funny.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. October 26, 2009 3:20 pm

    Every time I crack an egg I think “embryo”, then I eat it guilt free. I suppose the difference is I would just as cheerfully eat the embryo if allowed to develop into a full chicken, just not for breakfast. Although I don’t eat veal and lamb because it’s always seemed wrong to eat a baby animal. Hmmm.

  2. onemansbeliefs permalink
    November 5, 2009 4:02 pm

    I have always enjoyed the dialogue between Bill & Tom, but this time I’m a little unsettled. It’s because I have eaten balut. What’s balut? I’m glad you asked. A balut is a fertilized duck (or chicken) egg with a nearly-developed embryo inside that is boiled and eaten in the shell. Yep, I’m a monster…

    • Xian Do permalink*
      November 5, 2009 9:14 pm

      I’ve never heard of such a thing….hopefully it tasted good, yes?

      The way I see it, if one was stranded on a desert island and the only choices available were a year’s supply of balut…or starvation…
      …well, I don’t think starvation is much of a choice at all, thank you.

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